I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
