She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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