Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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