hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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