we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
