i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
