I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
