I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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