'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize