I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he was CRYING into my vagina
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
