You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Randomize
