quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
