I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
