Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
