It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize