Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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