If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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