i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
