if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize