I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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