Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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