I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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