fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
