you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
