am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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