During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
