Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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