So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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