you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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