I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
