i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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