man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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