FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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