is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
how drunk are you?
Several
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize