im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize