if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
