I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
