What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
