Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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