I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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