Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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