Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
