If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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