I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
