I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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