two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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