peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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