she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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