Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The uberlube is also flammable
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
