before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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