It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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