Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
