He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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