moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
