Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
