Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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