Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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