i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
