I wish my penis had an off switch
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
