we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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