he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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