I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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