the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
