3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
