the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i think my mom watched the whole time
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I forget how to act sober
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