Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
